An American FASFA

Late winter. Early afternoon. A librarian tries to finish strong, bustling around school on a Monday with no plan time. Her phone and watch seem to be signaling at an alarming rate. She assumes someone has died...or that her sibling/mother chat has ticked up because of the mother's birthday. She continues with her day blissfully ignorant of the actual messages' contents.

Scene

Early evening. She arrives home after volunteering at the district STEM Challenge to teenage sons slurping down Ramen noodles cooked in glass measuring bowls. She's exhausted by the day but happy to be home.

Son 1: Did you get the FASFA done? (looking into his bowl like he might grab the handle and just pour the contents down his throat)

Mother: What? (she hangs her backpack on the hook and removes her coat to hang too)

Son 1: (makes eye contact with Mother) Didn't you get my messages? Dad said you could work on it tonight.

Mother: I have been at school and then straight to the middle school for STEM Challenge. I have not been working on your FASFA.

Son 1: Well, can you? Please? 

Mother: I can help. When does it need to be finished?

Son 1: ASAP

Mother: Do you know how to access it?

Son 1: Access what?

Mother: The FASFA. Do you know how you logged in last year? Username? Password? I remember your dad and I couldn't create your account or something. It had to involve you.

Son 1: I don't remember. I have my school login information. That's about all I use.

Mother tries the info Son 1 gives her to login. Username and password are both incorrect. Mother sighs.

Friday night

Friday night,

aching knees and cramping arches

shoes off

feet up.

Friday night,

air frying pizza rolls and dipping in ranch

dishes done

feet up.

Friday night,

writing posts and reading comments

laptop charged

feet up.

Friday night,

watching football and texting neighbors

chair reclined

feet up.

Friday night,

making plans and listing chores

bed unmade

feet up.

Friday night,

breathing deep and sitting back

covers drawn

feet up.

A day by the numbers

I'm an absolute word nerd and I love numbers, too! This was a structure I wanted to try in 2019 (I wish I knew who to credit for the inspiration) but never seemed to have the day for it. Today must be that day.

Today had a weird feel...not a bad feel, not a good feel, not a comfortable feel either.  

Maybe that's it. Today felt uncomfortable. In reflection, I'm wondering why that was. 

So here are some noticings from my time in thought.

5882 steps, not close to my average of 6100+ 

I don't know why, that part of my day seemed normal...normal schedule, normal routines

5 more 5th graders marked as "independent library users" 

That book scavenger hunt is fun, but it takes so much time for one-on-one conversations and checking.

18 Kindergarten students completed their initial login into Nearpod on their iPads, using the keyboard to enter a lesson code and their name

The lessons are in digital citizenship and are aimed at safety for these first few weeks. The kids think I'm magic when I can swipe through slides on their screens using my laptop. It is magic.

278 books checked out

This also means we had about that many books checked back into the library. Today included two books with smudges (and a significant amount piled on the spine edge) of what we thought might be a sandy mud but then decided it was food of some kind and hoped it was a protein bar. It looked like baby poop which made me alternately shiver and laugh.

14 ziplock bags

The mystery substance was only the beginning of the damaged, gooey books we received today. Consequently, many students returned to class with a brand new zippy bag to store their fresh books in and protect them in their backpacks. In addition, I have decided that writing a children's book from the perspective of a library book is forthcoming and will be a best seller!

89.21 spent on Amazon to finish up my budget money for this year

Most was spent to replace damaged or lost books, but a few were titles that I just can't believe we don't have. What library exists without City of Ember or Because of Winn-Dixie? We also "needed" Owen by Kevin Henkes and The Lightning Thief graphic novel.

81.12 that actual amount of budget money I had left for this year

I am hoping to find the rest in another budget, but didn't have time to talk to my principal about it today. If not, I have a 20 in my wallet. :) I took advantage of the tax-free status and free shipping while I could.

6 hours 12 minutes is what my watch tells me I slept last night

This is probably the largest factor in the feel of any day. Sleep and I have never been the best of friends, but I recognize my need for good rest.

3/3 days posting so far in this year's challenge

It's a stronger start than I anticipated. I wasn't sure about writing this year, so I'm trying not to stress about it. If it happens, great! I'll be proud. If it doesn't, grace! I'll be understanding.

 

Dreaming? SOL#22

This is weird. I know I'm dreaming because whatever was just happening (and it seemed to make sense) has changed into me holding an animal. These pets are new, I'm thinking. This dream just changed, turning into something that doesn't go with the part before. What is happening? I am dreaming, of this I'm sure. Do I need to wake up? The animals are not my pets. There are little dogs and cats too, but none of them look like mine. I'm cuddling a bunny like a tiny, soft baby. If we are going to eat these rabbits, I can't make them into pets. I'm thinking through this and trying to make sense of it.

There is a noise. I can't find it. What's that noise? Am I still dreaming? The noise is loud, but I can't identify it. I think I need to wake up. Wake up! Find out what is making that noise. It sounds like a problem.

I open an eye, left then right. The button on my watch illuminates the screen. It's so very, blindingly bright. 4:22am. Why am I awake at 4:22?

There's a tearing sound. Something scratching and ripping...it is under my bed. What in the world could that be?!? 

The cats! Who left a cat in the house?!? It is definitely a cat. I hope it is a cat. "Here, kitty-kitty," I whisper. No cat. I fling the covers off and to the left of my body. My feet fall to the carpet, and I push myself into a vertical-ish position. "Here, kitty-kitty," I try again. Still no cat.

My eyes continue to close on their own accord. So very tired...the cat should be in the garage. It was probably D when he took out the trash. I seem to be sinking back toward the pillow. My husband must not have heard the noise. His shallow breaths are steady and restful sounding. I'll just lay here and listen for any sound again. I'm sure it was a cat. The cats should be in the garage.

Procrastination and Self Care #SOL22

The sun is intensely bright, although it still touches the horizon. I love the sun. "Come on, Spring!" is my mantra.  The fact that the world is this light at 7:20 in the morning means we are getting closer to my favorite season of summer. 

My eyes are watering. As I drive straight into the sun's blinding power, I pray I don't run into something I can't see or run off the edge of the black top because I can't distinguish where the pavement ends and the ditch begins. Each sunny morning, I rejoice...and lament. The trip to school is still not a habit. I don't know this road "like the back of my hand" or anything. There's a bus stop somewhere ahead. I can't trust the oncoming traffic. My foot eases off the gas a bit. I squint and pull the visor down.

"Do something about it!" I scold myself. If I make an appointment, then I get new contacts. If I get new contacts, then I can wear my sunglasses. If I wear my sunglasses, then I will only rejoice in the beaming warmth of the sun.

I have been wearing my prescription glasses for about four weeks now. The four boxes of contacts from my May 2020 appointment have run out. I am miserable. Self loathing abounds. Frustration!

Can I see? Yes. Am I injured or hurting in anyway? No. Do I feel inconvenienced? Absolutely. Does it tick me off to open the door and not be able to see my hands as I reach into the 400 degree oven because my lenses have been momentarily fogged? Yep. Are there a billion problems worse than mine? For sure. Is this all my own doing? 100%

I want to take care of myself...I really do.

The road makes a sharp turn to the right which means I am now driving to the south...relief. We wind down the road a mile or so to make it to our destination. The parking lot is speckled with cars. I notice two other teachers arriving with sun glasses and smiles adorning their faces. Today is the day, no excuses. Before I let myself out of the car, I set an alarm for 9:00am. I have an appointment to make.

Finding My Sister Everywhere

 My sister, Colleen, is turning 40.  It is a surreal situation.  My mind can't comprehend how this can be possible.  In my mind, my mom is in her 30s, so how could I or Colleen be entering our 40s?!? 

I've always looked up to my little sister.  She is super smart.  You know where you stand with her.  She strives and excels and leaves her competition in the dust.  She cares about everything and everyone.  She cares so very much.

My sister is everywhere.  Maybe it's because we have 18 months between our ages and experienced most of our lives side-by-side.  I can find her in a second, in everyday moments of my life.  Today, I thought I might show her how often I think of her by making a list of forty things that make me think of her.

1. unicorns
2. Tang
3. curling irons
4. pigs
5. Jelly shoes
6. basketball
7. Patsy Cline
8. dusty rose Ropers
9. FFA
10. Nellyville
11. BB guns
12. push mowing
13. Halloween costumes
14. tall shelves
15. gardening
16. Dutch Blitz
17. self help books
18. matching shirts
19. Little Women
20. beets
21. trampolines
22. sycamore trees
23. Dwight Yokam
24. The Boxcar Children series
25. dolls (mostly fancy ones)
26. track meets
27. peanut butter and pickle sandwiches
28. mascots
29. ballerinas
30. card games
31. Rummikub
32. Bible verses
33. Jelly Bellys
34. oil changes
35. Cinderella
36. orchids
37. Geo Metros
38. french horns
39. thick hair
40. physics

I could probably make forty lists of forty things, but everyone would stop reading at this point!  She is a huge part of my life and I love her to the ends of it!!

Happy birthday, sissy!!  I love you!!

Thank you!

#SOL20 Day30

Thank you to this community for its grace, empathy, and consistency in a world of turmoil and uncertainty.  I am grateful to be a part of you!

This SOL challenge has been a memorable one.  Without it, I don't know how my feelings and thoughts might have spiraled.  Because of this audience and its support, I am mostly sane and counseled.  For this, I will be forever grateful.

You have shared your vulnerability, and your like-mindedness.  You have planted new thoughts and nurtured practicing craft.  You have done it.

We are at the end of this challenge, and smack in the middle of a national crisis.  I am glad to be a part of this with you.  You brought me joy this month, and I will forever be indebted to you for many smiles and snorts.

Thank you for letting me be a part of it all!

Questions?

#SOL20 Day 30

Today, we found out that our district is postponing school until May 1st.  I am heartbroken about it.  It is best for our community, our state, our country, our world, but it doesn't feel best.

Will we go back on May 4th just to have our last day of school on the 20th?

Will we continue to review or will we try some new learning?

What about all the kids that can't access online learning?

What about the kids that don't have parents meeting the basic needs let alone the academic ones?

How are others coping with this?

How will my own kids handle this information?

What does the community think about the school announcement today?

What will the summer and fall look like after this?

It's been a tough one for me.

On the other hand, my fellow literacy coaches and I launched a new website today where we hope to help teachers (and families) in this tough, weird time.

Daily Grind

#SOL20 Day 29

My days are full of cleaning and puttering around the house.  Today, I used my new Crosswave motorized floor mop.  It was fantastic!  The Crosswave is a huge improvement of the old Floormate (which I have loved for many, many years!).  I am so happy with the results.

I have actually read one whole book in the last week also.  Quite a feat!  It seems hard to concentrate or make time for pleasure reading.  However, if I can't do it now, when?

Each night, our new pattern is to clean up the kitchen then sit down and see if our favorite Youtubers have posted any new videos.  We are following some hikers and some fishermen, all Christians.  They are joyous in their work and hobbies.

Todd and I sit, my left hand holding his right hand, and dream of when we are going to be out in our beautiful country, exploring it and loving on it.  Creation is amazing and gorgeous.  I can't wait to experience it with my man.  We like to think of it as our new daily grind.  Ha!

Manly Beards

#SOL20 Day 28

Todd headed upstairs after his day outside and in, making home and homestead improvements.  He planned to shower before dinner and mumbled something like "shave my beard" as he went.

"That's the end of 'Manly Dad'," J announced.

I wasn't really paying attention and didn't give it a thought.

After his freshening up, Todd came back downstairs.  J said, "Yes!  'Manly Dad' forever!!"

The family went on to discuss how the perceived manliness was in correlation to facial hair.  I disagreed with all the males in the house, which was everyone.

T proclaims from the great room, "I can't help it that I have Mom's genes!  I'll never be able to have a beard."  He says it with a smile on his face.  Looking over at me filling the dishwasher.  I smile back.

J, always a momma's boy, says, "I think Mom could grow a beard if she really wanted to."  We all crack up.

Laughing, I say, "Thanks for the vote of confidence, J!" Ha!

Good Day

#SOL20 Day 27

Like many of you, Zoom meetings dictate my days, and today, was a good day.

First, our staff met for breakfast.  We each took a turn checking in and talking about this very long week where we have all forgotten which day it is.  Does it even matter what day of the week it is? 

Anyway, I am an easy crier, but I've been remarkably (in my own opinion) stoic and even keeled though these first couple weeks.  I didn't even cry at the parade this week when I know lots of us might have shed a tear or two.  However, today, when I saw two pages full of my co-workers smiling at me from their little Brady Bunch windows, I felt my throat closing a bit.

As a whole, we celebrated the parade and connections with others.  Almost 40 of us, taking turns talking about what we've been doing for the last two-ish weeks and smiling.  When it was my turn, one of the last five or so, I got choked up again.  I was going to say something sassy about laundry and dishes, but instead, overwhelmed by the faces looking at me, I choked up and just said, "I love you guys!"

The fact that so many made time to connect, made me so proud to be a part of the group.  These people truly care about one another.  It was a warm fuzzy feeling that carried me through the day.

TP

#SOL20 Day 26

I read a gorgeous collection of 6 Word Stories yesterday, and now I can't find the post.  Thank you to the author for reminding me of that structure.  Mine is much less eloquent and meaningful, but it sums up my thoughts for a few moments of my day.  Simple and honest, here it is...

T. P.

Four squares should not be luxury.

Teachers On Parade

#SOL20 Day 25

The windows were down with the sun and a beautiful breeze blowing into the car.  G was in his new booster in the back seat, "This is fun, Mommy!"

We were close to the end of the 40some car teacher parade today.  It was absolutely amazing to see so many teachers participate and kids out on their driveways with signs.  My heart is full, and I'm smiling more than I have in many, many days.

I wish each one of you could have a teacher parade.  It did me so much good.

I know this writing is terrible and I'm not in the moment at all, but the words aren't coming.  Relief and joy, that's what I'm feeling.

Cozy Is Our New Favorite Word

#SOL20 Day 24

This boy knows what he's doing.  "Mom, we can just cuddle for a little while."  We're smashed into the recliner, hip to hip.  We would both be more comfortable if he would sit on my lap, but he's a big boy now, and he wants to sit beside me.  He has no intention of sleeping.  I'm trying my best to get a small nap into him.

"You need to rest everyday just like when you rest at school or at Miss Jodi's," I'm trying a little too hard.  He knows what I'm doing too. 

His sharp little elbow sinks into my thigh as he tries to readjust and get more comfortable.  "Do you want to sit on my lap?"  I'm begging him not to stab me with the elbow again.

"No.  I like this.  This is cozy."  He is sure of everything.  He leans his head to the left to rest against my arm.  His little hand pats my wrist.  I soak it in the best I can.  It certainly feels quite cozy.

So far today these items have been described as cozy: jammies, a blanket, the dog's fur, a pair of my socks, the basket full of laundry, his giant collection of stuffed animals, and me.

At the moment, I am cozy and comfy enough to close my eyes for a bit, encouraging him to follow what I model.  If I happen to nap in the chair with him, I won't complain about it.

After twenty-two seconds, barely three breaths in and out, "Actually, I think I'll lay in my bed," as he jabs his little wing bones into my side trying to dislodge himself from the chair.

He tromps over to the bed where he conveniently finds a tractor and disc and his Paw Patrol pals, five of them.  He uses his knee to climb up and acts as if he might intend to lay down.  I'm doubting what I see though.

"Ok, bud.  I'm going back in my room if you are going to lay in your bed," I explain because that laundry is not going to do itself.  I predict he's going to tell me a new plan about helping with the laundry or watching "just one more video," but he surprises me.

"Can you cover me up with my cozy blanket?" he has six cozy blankets, so I grab what's on the bed railing (his bed is a converted crib for now) and drape him with the cozy fleece.  He smiles.

Which shoes?

#SOL20 Day 23

When I got up this morning, I had to decide which shoes to wear.  How do I want to walk a mile?  Do I look at the world with worry and fear, or am I strong in my faith and grateful for the days I have?  I'm trying on the latter.  They seem to fit just fine!

Today, I got to go to school for four hours (see what I did there).  Our Spring Break is officially over, so we begin our COVID-19 closure today. 

Over the past few days, although technically on break, teachers have been collaborating to build learning choice boards for families to use while we are closed.  I am continually impressed and impacted by the actions, thoughts, and words of my teachers.  This experience upped the level exponentially.

Anyway, today I find myself in a mostly empty school where I am collaborating with teams virtually for the most part.  We designed a product that is friendly and full of good ideas.  We did the best we could, as I know all educators are.

Here are some things from my four hours at school that I will choose to see as a "fun thing".

1. I was in a rock and roll mood and blared my "Pat Benatar Radio" for all to appreciate...all, meaning me.

2. I left the doors to my room wide open, knowing I wouldn't bother anyone and no one would bother me.

3. I went to the bathroom twice---in four hours!

4. Some teachers and I had conversations that had nothing to do with school.

5. I had a cup of tea, while it was still hot!

6. I cleaned out my email.  Well, I made an improvement in the inbox anyway.

7. There was ample time for me to think about some long term plans.  Outside of the closure, what do I have in my control?  What can I do with this "gift" of time without students?

8. I spent a little stretch of time in reflection, thinking on the big picture of my work and how I want that to look.

9. I took a deep breath and exhaled.

10. I joyously discarded the data charts that I didn't want to look at anymore.  Our state testing has been canceled, and I am definitely going to see that with a sunny background and a big smile on my face.

11. I closed the doors to my room and said my goodbyes to the few here with me, packing extra bags of books.  However, I'm taking some things home with a vision in my heart, not resentment.

12. We got to dress casual with sweats being acceptable since we were working through virtual collaboration most of the time.  I am wearing jeans and a cozy cardigan to school.  We rarely get to wear jeans.  My canvas loafers are as comfy as can be.

Which pair of shoes are you wearing today?

Before Today

#SOL20 Day 22

Before today, the grass was greening up.

Before today, D changed the oil in the lawn mower in preparation for mowing soon to come.

Before today, we wore shorts outside for most of the afternoon and played basketball.

Before today, we saw springtime birds flying all around.

Before today, we worked in the front landscaping and actually enjoyed it.

Before today, we went outside to get a break from each other.

Before today, we were making plans for outside chores and summertime schedules.

Before today, we were doing ok with self-quarantine.

Today, it snowed and snowed, giant, obnoxious flakes.  We've been inside all day.

Getting Real

#SOL20 Day 21

Day 21 has a different feel.  Yesterday is our last day of Spring Break.  Monday will begin our COVID-19 closure.  Today has included a marathon of texts, a smattering of emails, a kitchen tile grout session, and a trip to the grocery store.  Up until now, I have been happily quarantined with my family, camping and being outside, but limiting all contact with people.  Today, I ventured into the world.

We still have eight rolls of toilet paper and plenty of beef, but we live on produce, and besides some wrinkly apples that need to become sauce, we were out.  To Aldi (grocery store) I go.

First of all, the parking spots were taken with maybe ten open.  I have never seen so many cars in the lot, and this is the only grocery store I go to.  I did manage to get a cart from a fellow shopper who had finished with it.  She made eye contact, but didn't return my smile.  We don't live in the friendliest place, so I didn't think too much of it.

Inside the store, the initial shelves were in a normal state.  Then, the bread crates were vacant.  Good thing we weren't needing bread.  Which makes me think I should probably check on yeast in the case we have to make bread.

The produce seems random.  Lots of blueberries, so I load up on four cartons, some fresh green beans, and both green and red grapes.  However, there are no salad mixes or mixed greens.  Instead, I opt for bags of spinach and some leaf lettuce.  I can't identify what else should be on these empty produce shelves.  I see some packages of sliced mushrooms that have been pushed to the back, so I fish them out and add them to the cart.  People seem normal in this area.

No milk.  No eggs.  This is one time I am grateful for our stupid chickens.

No paper towels.  No toilet paper.  No tissues. 

We aren't to "desperate times" or anything like that in the paper products situation, but I was thinking this toilet paper craze would be over.  It does make me rethink my laissez-faire attitude about the whole thing.  Thankfully, I live in a house of boys.  However, we will need toilet paper eventually, sooner rather than later, I'm afraid.

The cereal aisle has been hit hard.  That's ok.  We are planning on french toast and sausage this week.  It is a little unsettling though.

I grab some juice to help break up the "drink water, it's free" Mom mantra. 

As I turn the last corner to the frozen section, I cannot believe the desolation.  I keep being surprised by the state of things, knowing that we are living in some crazy times.  After getting myself together, I grab some frozen mango and berry mixes.  I get ice cream, I think, to comfort myself, then turn toward the checkout.

The real world was too much for me today.  I'm really cracking down on our paper conservation now.  I don't want to have to repeat today for a very long time...or ever.

Day 20

#SOL20 Day 20

Day 20 feels real.

We're really doing this challenge.

There really is a panic out there.

Real people use the toilet and need toilet paper.

Day 20 feels difficult.

This challenge is difficult.

I'm having a difficult time with the panic part.

Finding toilet paper to purchase is beyond difficult.

Day 20 feels frustrating.

When I procrastinate, my writing frustrates me.

Letting other people's panic affect me is frustrating.

I'm frustrated with the whole toilet paper situation.

Just my number 4 boy and me

#SOL20 Day 19

It's finally bedtime. The littlest boy has had a bath and brushed his teeth and said his prayers. I have also, and I'm laying in bed reading until I fall asleep.

My eyes close for extended periods. I should just give it up and sleep. The setting is "Paris 1937", I've read again AND again, my eyes landing in the same spot each time they open.

The boy coughs. Is he getting sick or wanting attention? Time will tell. He loves sleeping in the camper. He hates sleeping in the camper. It IS peaceful, but maybe too quiet when compared to the predictable noise of our house.

I've plugged in a fan on my end to help with the noise situation. A glass of wine and my nightly 3mg of melatonin are doing the trick quite nicely for me. However, I don't think I'm going to get much of this new book read.

The long blink...my hand jerks a bit holding my Kindle upright.  I'm almost awake again.

I think I'll just sleep.

How Much Farther?

#SOL20 Day 18

"Mom, how much farther?" they have taken turns asking from the back seat.

I answer, "About an hour and a half or so."  We're on our way home from Spring Break camping and fishing.  It's been a great trip, a little cold and a little rainy, but great times together.

Everyone had a mid trip pee break.  We made sure to wash our hands more thoroughly than usual.  Our snacks were from inside the camper pantry.  My new goal will be to keep the adults, Todd and I, awake for the rest of the trip.

Somewhere between 1:00am and 2:00am last night, I was awake.  I think we have a mouse in the camper.  I couldn't sleep, and either my imagination is more convincing than ever, or we have a mouse.  I'm not at all happy about this possibility.  Needless to say, he and I are tired.

I start to point out license plates from other states, "Kentucky!" I say with enthusiasm to distract the boys.  It doesn't really work.  T is asleep-ish, thanks to dramamine.  D is trolling his phone incessantly. G is wanting to be home.  J is laying across my lap and then yammering on to Todd about something.  Because he occupies the bench seat between Todd and I, he is assisting in the stay-awake-while-driving plan.

Todd taps the breaks to disengage the cruise control.  We're coming up on a couple of semi trucks.  "Iowa," I say.  No one cares.

We drive on, toward the northeast, with home in our sights.  We'll have the real world waiting for us when we get there.